Monday, April 20, 2015

Love yo-self

Hey hey hey world it's your girl C-Money here comin at cha live with a new remix because dead week is upon us, I feel overwhelmed and I desperately need a reason to paint my thoughts constructively otherwise you might see little Claire chunks all over my room due to an overproduction of finals anxiety.

Alright my rant is over. Let's get down to the good stuff. 

So today, as I sat in my Family Finance class my fingers wandered over to a little place most commonly known as Pinterest but to me it's called easy procrastination. 

And there I did find a lovely pin that spoke to the deeper sides of my beating heart.

It said:

The fact that someone else loves you doesn't rescue you from the project of loving yourself. 

Boom diddy, did that ring true to anyone else? I love this. A lot a lot a lot.

You guys! Loving yourself is no easy task at times and I don't think many people would list themselves as something they love if they were to write a list of things they <3 most. And I just don't think it should be this way. As I've said before, you are a catch and one dang sweet pea at that so love yourself because no one better can treat you as special as you can. Don't get me wrong, receiving love from outsides sources is just as important, but if you don't love yourself first, how can you expect anyone else to give you the love you deserve? Uh huh, chew on that. 

Now it's time for a little public service announcement to all my loyal readers (hi mom and dad hehe). Except the parentals are already in the know of this little tid bit so I guess I am just adding this because I am kind of stoked on it (and it's important to the message of this post).

There's this boy my heart's been attaching itself to recently and I even though I am still getting used to saying "yes" when people ask me if I am dating anyone I'm really enjoying all my time spent with this special one. 

So what I am getting at here is the difference in this relationship than what I've had in the past (besides the fact he's one of the coolest people I've had the pleasure of getting to know... but before this gets too cheesy, which it would because I could go on and on about things I dig about him, I will get to my point). I've never loved myself more than I do now and to be honest I owe so much of this newfound love and confidence in myself to my beautiful experiences abroad as well as my time at Utah State University. 

The only other relationship I've had was with someone in high school and the end was super rocky for me because he was my happy during the months we dated. When our relationship was over, it seemed so was my zest for life. I didn't know what I wanted to do with life (senior year in high school calls for some major and scary decisions), I didn't know my place in life and most importantly I didn't know myself. I was letting myself rely on others for happiness, which is bad news bears because people come and go so you should never place something as critical as your self-worth and love on something that can so easily walk away. 

Experiences in the last two years have pushed me to my limits and I have allowed the hardships to help me grow. I've learned how capable I am, my roll in my own life and in the lives of others, and I've taken special notice to the little things that matter and not so much notice to the little things that seem like a bigger deal than they are. Everything I have learned has helped me to love myself and that has been the greatest blessing. I can cheer myself up on a bad day and I never allow others to make me feel inferior. I am my own happy and instead of finding it in others I can share it with the people I love. The way others feel about you should not determine the way you feel about yourself. 

So just because someone loves you does not mean you can stop loving yourself. You gotta love yourself first and foremost so you always know what you deserve and what you can give. 

Here's to BAEing yourself <3

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Two for you Glen Coco

Okay, okay, I promise I will hunker down and get going on this dang studying in a second. But after I published my last post I found something in a file I forgot existed and there was so much emotion in these documents I felt inclined to share. I wrote both these poems my senior year and could feel myself relive every word I wrote down. Writing man, such a fantastic form of self-expression.

I remember wanting to share these somewhere people could see but ended up feeling too exposed. A couple years later though, I find myself relating to what 18 year old me felt and I think it's something that could help anyone experiencing either of these emotions.

As I read through what the younger version of me wrote, I find little things like grammar errors or confusing phrases that I would like to correct but refrained to keep what I felt then completely raw and real.

Also, the second poem is unfinished, and probably never will be finished. I remember writing down the words began to hurt too much and I stopped mid-poem. In a way though, I like this. These are as real as they get and I hope you enjoy the read.

Here goes:

Love

The thing about love is

It is the best feeling in the world.

It is the
most exhilarating
most frightening
most wonderful
most intense
feeling you have ever felt
always happening, all at once.

It feels like someone has put a pressure on your chest so strong that your heart might explode at any given second.

The silly songs on the radio finally make complete sense.

You can’t help but sing along to every sappy lyric with a goofy smile plastered across your face.

When you so simply speak their name
It is never done without a smile in your

Voice. Your most favorite sound.

Their laugh, their smell, their taste, their presence

Faultless.

The way their eyes sparkle, the steady rhythm of their beating heart, the softness of their breathing

Flawless.

In fact, it’s more perfect than your dreams. So perfect, in fact, that you can’t sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

It’s like you’ve just stepped off the Teacups in Disney Land,
Dizzy; but in the happiest place you’ve ever been.

No matter what you are doing, if you are with them, you are completely content.

No silence is uncomfortable. Silence is what brings their soul closer to yours than any arrangement of words ever could.

But when conversation begins, the phrases exchanged are without end.  

You feel yourself suddenly open up in ways you never knew were closed off.

Direct eye contact makes your insides flutter yet puts your mind in a state of ease you didn’t know existed.

Your mind screams how in love you are with them every time you look up at them.

See, the thing about love is

You need not have to say “I Love you” but forever want to say it so they know.




Heartbreak

The thing about heartbreak is

It is the worst feeling in the world

It is
utter devastation
absolute confusion
unstable anger
and blunt regretfulness.

Your chest tightens to the point where you can hardly bare to breathe.

 It feels like a bowling ball has been planted on top of your lungs and the roots are tangling around your heart, restricting the unsteady beats.

Your best friends become the depressed lyrists, unemotionally permitting them to temporarily numb the infectious wounds. 

The sound of their name makes you cringe.

Every memory, every laugh, every shared secret

Wasted.

You sit unmoving for countless hours replaying every moment
Trying to understand where the rotting began.

And with every replayed memory comes a void smile
Recognition these flashbacks will not come with a sequel.





positive self-talk > negative self-talk

Has anyone else noticed a pattern in my blog posts? For example, I’ve just come to the conclusion that they almost always start out with some kind of disclaimer… like “I am stressed to the maxxx and have a shizton to do, yet here is X reason I simply must release my thoughts to the world”?

Well whoops, here we go again. The good news here is that writing works as a major stress reliever to me. It is the very best kind of free therapy/ self-expression. So mahalla, looks like my choice of study really is where I need to be (even if I am procrastinating studying for said major right this second. Heh oops).

I’ve wanted to post something on the following topic for a long time but haven’t been able to phrase the words in a way I like. However, today as I fixing my hair before I ran off the my second home, aka the library, I thought about it in a way that was new and refreshing to me so I figured maybe this time around I would be able to string together the words the way I’d like them to sound…

I have this little saying that keeps me sane (maybe not humble haha but sane) and that is:

I AM A CATCH.

Yes, sometimes shy Claire has an ego (but it only sounds totally egotistic, I promise. I have sound reasoning for this so you need to keep your hope in me alive and just give me a chance to explain). This little saying has the ability to keep me going so I would like you to consider giving it a shot too.

YOU ARE A CATCH.

And you are. Any person would be lucky to have you in their life. And if they don’t see it, show ‘em your fav finger (it doesn’t have to be obscene… flash ‘em the pinky if it makes you feel good) and forget them. You deserve the best and you should only welcome the best into the special parts of your life and your heart.

Growing up, I had a little bit of an issue with negative self-talk. Speaking on behalf of girls and boys all over the world, I’m certain this is something everyone struggles with time to time. Common as it is, this is NOT a healthy habit. It doesn’t get you anywhere and it will leave you feeling miserable and hopeless. So cut out the murky, negative self-talk and tell yourself YOU ARE A CATCH.

Whether you are single, wondering when you are going to find that special someone that lights up your whole world/ why you haven’t been graced with someone so wonderful just yet or; you are in a relationship but still fear how someone so amazing could look at you with the same adoration you look at them with.

STOP WORRYING AND REMIND YOURSELF YOU ARE A CATCH.

Coming up with positive attributes about yourself can be difficult, I know. If it helps, write down what you love about yourself on a piece of paper and keep it somewhere you’ll see frequently. Heck, say it out loud to yourself every morning in front of the mirror if that’s more your kind of thing – or even if it’s not, just do it. I don’t care how uncomfortable it makes you.

Confession: I have tried both these exercises and weird as I felt doing it, it worked! Focusing on what you love about yourself will boost that self confidence in no time and can even change the world! Happy people are rare (even all those girls/boys with the “perfect” lives on social media could be putting up a fake fa├žade). But if you are truly happy with who you are, nothing can break down that happiness for more than like .586 nano seconds.

I wrote a post on “fake it til you make it” over a year ago, yet it remains of my favorite mottos. Even if you are stuck in a dark place where it seems impossible to even find one thing about yourself, pretend you loooove something as simple as your own smile and I promise, after flashing your own pearly whites to yourself a couple times, you will really begin to truly love it! These methods are tried and true folks. Make it true for you too.

And no… I am not saying once you tell yourself you are a catch you will always feel like the bomb diggity. In fact, the world beats down harder on happy people. Just do your best to rise above it. And when you catch yourself questioning your self- worth, flash that fav finger to the little devil messing with your perfectly beautiful and capable mind and remind yourself that you are the girl with the

Firm faith in God
Lips you would kiss if they weren’t already attached to your face
Hilariously delightful humor
Strong body and mind
Charitable heart
Betty Crocker’s hardest competition
Cultural experiences
Open mind
And loving soul.


I AM A CATCH. AND SO ARE YOU.